From Chelsea

by Bardic Mystery Tour

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Phran These songs from The Bardic Mystery Tour podcast are so good. Antler Mayhem knows how to kick ass and rock off faces. The one exception is Roland's Song which sucks as much as Roland does. Favorite track: You're a Manticore.
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about

These are all the songs from the first year of the podcast Bardic Mystery Tour! They're collected here for your listening pleasure!

credits

released September 1, 2019

Bardic Mystery Tour is: Brayton Batson, Edd Batson, Emi Eisenfeld, Victron Funkenstein.

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all rights reserved

tags

about

Bardic Mystery Tour Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

We're a band of bards solving mysteries when we're out on tour. We promise that you won't get bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour! (Liveplay 5e DnD Podcast.)

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Track Name: Antler Mayhem Anthem
1234
We're Antler Mayhem
This is our anthem
If there's a monster in town
we'll slay them
Then we'll play a show
in celebration
So ready your payment
to Antler Mayhem
Track Name: You're a Manticore
You’re a liar
and you’re full of yourself.
Just a jerk—
you’re a manti…coooooore!

Tearing others down
to make yourself feel good
Empty threats—
you’re a manti-snoooooore!

wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh
wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh
wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh

You’re simple
and your insults are trite.
Tired taunts—
you’re a manti-boooooore!

You need attention
Because you're insecure
On and On
What a manti-chore!

nanananana
nanananana
nanananannana

What’s a manticore?
He’s belligerent
He’s arrogant
He’s full of himself

You’re narcissistic
You’re egotistical
Your words are venomous
You’re a manticore!

Grumpy lion
chained to the floor.
Slingin’ words of hate
it’s manti-waaaaaaaar!
Track Name: Lord Falcon
As thunder rolls across the plains
Chasing a lightning flash
And nature stands in silent fear of
events that soon will pass

The armies of hell are swelling now to enact their heinous plan
The tattered army of King Cilaud makes their final stand
The demon hoard's just one assault from ravaging the meek
As a shadow spreads across the field cast from the mountain peak

Lord Falcon!
Enemy of evil and the vile
Lord Falcon!
Banisher of wickedness for miles

Falcon sits astride his steed looming oh so large.
His warriors are at his side as they begin to charge
To turn the battle just in time against the demon horde
A thousand of the bravest men riding unicorns!

Lord Falcon!
Enemy of evil and the vile
Lord Falcon!
Banisher of wickedness for miles
Track Name: Gelatinous Rudeboi
We’re traveling in this forest (it’s not a forest)
Join along in the chorus (there is no chorus)
We’re traveling in this mine (my friends and I)
Use the buddy system (don’t get left be-hind)

When you’re in a dark hall, better look out son,
There’s a monster down here so you gotta run!
If your party’s full of gnomes it will eat you all
‘Cause this ravenous jelly is ten feet tall!

Ya gotta learn how to monetize
Things that you just might find
beasts of all shapes and kinds
Deep in the dwarven mines

Don’t run away and don’t be rash—
Ya gotta take note how it cleans the path!
It’s not a black pudding or an ochre ooze—
It’s just your friendly neighborhood gelatinous cube

Just dig a big pit and lure it down
It can eat all the waste of a dwarven town
It gobbles up garbage and keeps rats away
Just keep it well fed or it’ll ruin your day

Ya gotta learn how to monetize
Things that you just might find
beasts of all shapes and kinds
Deep in the dwarven mines

It clears stone surfaces of mold and muck
But if you’re not careful you’ll be outta luck!
You don’t have to be quick when you try to dodge
Cause it’s got a slow moving pseudopod

When I say Gelatinous you say Cube
Gelatinous (cube)
Gelatinous (cube)

First wave, third wave, two-tone, too!
That boy can’t skank, but that boy is Rude!
He don’t like progressive rock or delta blues
He needs that one-drop beat and that Lloyd Knibb Groove

Now there’s a real cool cat
With a pork pie hat
He’s my pelican friend named Jimmy Piss
When I put him on the mic he sounds like this:

*Jimmy skats here*

Hey
Let me go

Always take a torch ‘cuz they don’t like light
They hang out in the dark ‘cuz they ain’t too bright
Be sure to take a buddy when you go inside
Of a cave so you don’t get eaten alive

We traveled in this mine (I got it right this time)
If you sang at least one line (you did just fine)
We traveled in this mine (my friends and I)
We used the buddy system (didn’t get left behind)
Track Name: Are Euphreta Frogs?
Watch out in the alley
Down by the old storm doors
There’s a pack of blink dogs
blinkin’ on all fours


They’re barkin’ up a ruckus
Howlin’ all night long
Keepin’ up the neighbors
With their nasty songs

Cuz they know somethin’ we don’t
And they are terrified
We probably should be too,
But we have yet to die!

(They say) “Don’t go in the basement,
There’s malice in the air
Horrifying nightmares
Wall to wall downstairs”

(We go in and see) giant wolves and beetles
Reanimated guts…
Look out where you’re steppin’
They might eat one of us

In the corner sits a creature,
A giant, warty toad
(He can) use his sticky tongue
To swallow a whole, entire gnome!

“This stomach’s suffocating!
I’m trying to get out!
My jerk friends keep on laughing
Ignoring all my shouts!

...Now if you think that’s scary
Don’t go in the woods
There’s something killing pegasi
Leaving nasty, gruesome wounds

With two spiky tentacles
Six eviscerating claws
Hair as dark as midnight
And drooly gnarly maws

You never really can
Discern precise location
Of this monster due
To magic obfuscation

Your shimmer is a sham
We’re onto your position
Thanks to Tasha’s laughter
You’re just a toothless kitten

You don’t know how to prowl
And you don’t know how to creep
You don’t know how to pounce
You’re done, Displacer Beast.
You’re done, Displacer Beast!
Track Name: The Beast of B’Rudé
Wandering through the plains of B’Rudé
in search of the town's lost gatekeeper
we stumbled upon an imposing shrub feature
guarded by a swarthy red brute.

A menacing beast wielding dual blades of bloodshed
two horns and a cliched snout piercing
we wave for distraction and magically charm him
and then we get ready to loot.

Round and round we walk
into his maze.
Always turning left
that's the right way.

A spiraling path that leads to a treasure
the minotaur's most prized possessions
and as we grow closer we imagine his riches
a mountain of gold... maybe two!

Round and round we walk
into his maze
Always turning left
that's the right way
On and on we trudge
bushes for days
curving in we search
hoping for Rolf
and maybe some treasure

We find he's a kind-hearted creature
a sentimental foe
his teddy-bull, his drawing, and his guardian tree
We each shed a tear and go.
Track Name: Bogm'hren
They call me bright edge
I like the smell of fresh baked bread
Yes I like bubbles
And I like the color red

They call me bright edge
I like snow and butterflies
I like rainbows
And my claws are sharp as knives

They call me Bright Edge
I like taking walks outside
I like autumn
because all the leaves have died

They call me Bright Edge
I leave gifts for frank and lynn
I’m a nice guy
And my happiness is sin


They call me Bright Edge
I like playing games
With the creatures
That I plan to slay

They call me Bright Edge
I like the feel of crunching bones
Yes I like chew toys
And I like their desperate moans

They call me Bright Edge
And I like after-rain
I like puddles
Made of blood and guts and brains

They call me Bright Edge
But my real name’s Bogm’hren
I’m a nice guy
And my happiness is sin
And my happiness is sin
And my happiness is sin
Track Name: Roland's Song
This song is Roland's song.
I sing it all day long.
It could go on and on.
Would you like to sing along?

No... not really... but I'd like to get us out of here.

Be nice to him. Be nice to him. He's our friend.

Gonna get a new pair of gloves.
Track Name: Charmera feat. D. Minto
For years we’ve been fixed,
attached to this perch
unable to scratch the
itch:
of ascending each day,
scouting creatures to slay
at this all-we-can-char
buffet.

Goat:
I’ve been missing my kids
I’ve been missing my home
Those imperial orcs
Have turned us to stone

A plated meal
Is all that I need
Let’s accelerate, friends,
To ramming speed!

Chorus

Lion:
Tasty raw meat, just can’t be beat
Such a nice treat, I feel incomplete...

I miss gnawing bones, I cry and I moan
We feel so alone, we are brothers in stone

We brothers take flight, we’ll swoop from this height
With prowess and might we slash and I bite!

Chorus

Dragon:
Gold!
Char-Broiled!
Lava!
BBQ!
Riches!
Vengeance!
Treasure!
Fire!

We’re finally free
Of this flesh-to-stone spell
And we’re able to scratch that
itch:
We’re ascending today,
We found creatures to slay,
And it’s dinner time
Hooray!

Fire!
Ramming speed!
Slash and I bite!
Track Name: Half Things Half Rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest

Half things half rest
Better than a beer fest
you're gonna be obsessed
Hey Ho! This bar’s the best.

Surf n’ turf, give me more
Vanilla and chocolate swirl
Arnold palmer; jack and Coke
Black coffee, I don't think so!

Calamocho, thanks to Zach
Bacon burger heart attack
Grab a grapple. gotta munch
Food Truck. pancake brunch

Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest

Half things half rest
Better than a beer fest
you're gonna be obsessed
Hey Ho! This bar’s the best.

Half elf half orc
Halfling cyborg
Centaur Minotaur
Half-priced happy hour

Gin&juice. Vodka tonic
Whiskey ginger. Supersonic
Dark&stormy. Black&tan
Radler Bier. Pb&....
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breakdown:
Cookies and….CREAM!
marble…. CAKE!
sweet and sour…. CHICKEN!
Jamoca…. SHAKE!

Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Half things half rest
Track Name: Umber Hunk
You came into my life like a sundered boulder
I can’t wait to marry you when we get older
I’m so attracted and I don’t know why
I fell in love when I looked into your eyes.

I look into your eyes you make me go crazy
My gut’s a-flutter and my mind is hazy
I know our love is no illusion
It’s meta-magical confusion

<chorus>
I’m gonna stay here with you
‘Cause it’s all want to do ooo-ooo
I want to roam around for you ooo-ooo
It’s all I wanna do
</chorus>

A muscley man that’s emotionally raw
A manly man with a mandible jaw
Your furry arms can squeeze me to bits
I want to snuggle with your carapace

All my friends say I’m just confused
My favored enemy type is ooze
But I think that I know better
I got a bug man with a full time sweater

<chorus>

You’re so incredible, but you’re not green
You’re still strong when you’re not mean
Don’t understand you when you talk
You’re not Hogan, you’re my umber hulk


Stay here with you
is all I want to do ooo-ooo
I want to roam around for you ooo-ooo
It’s all I wanna do
So I say so long to my so called friends
Track Name: No Curfew
We stay up all night
We drink and we fight
We party the whole night through
When’re rocking on tour,
But one thing’s for sure
We can’t <beat> adhere to no curfew

We’re always a ruckus So
The man tries to cuff us
But the law can’t tell us what to do
The cops and the sheriff,
Not even our parents
Control us. No, we don’t care who.

Golems or goblins
Or arrogant lawmen
We’ll fight everyone in our way
But we’re obstinate bards
And we drink really hard
So we sleep through the bulk of the day

Our night time is precious
Just try and arrest us
We have a drinking tradition
So we can’t abide
Some rule to stay inside
We’ll continue without your permission
Track Name: Keep It Down (This Ain't No Sing-Along)
This song is not a sing-along
It's all I have still holding on
Sung by myself ‘cause I have been all along
This song can't fix everything that's wrong
Keep it down. It ain't no sing-along

Gazing up and down the road
I can't tell my life from the unknown
Left is right, and you've guessed
I just want to be left
Alone…. Gazing down the road

Skies are blue and flowers red
How did this all come to a head?
Do you think that it can end
Without bruised and bloodied friends
Moans…. Gazing across the road.

This song is not a sing-along
It's all I have still holding on
Sung by myself ‘cause I have been all along
This song can't fix everything that's wrong
Keep it down. It ain't no sing-along
Track Name: Yet I Wait
I grow still as this chill
to my bones takes hold
I am bound by this ice
I can't feel. I grow cold
I am tied to this swamp
by an ice monster's gaze

Numb and lonely and immobile
Frost surrounds me on all sides

She'll be fine
She'll survive
We'll be back with some help
In seemingly no time at all

Slugs slime past to the east
then the west while I wait
birds are born taught to fly
leave the nest while I wait
leaves have browned fallen down
season's changed yet I wait

Numb and lonely and immobile
Frost surrounds me on all sides

She'll be fine
She'll survive
We'll be back with some help
No matter how much time it takes

Numb and lonely and immobile
Frost surrounds me on all sides

She'll be fine
She'll survive
Even if it takes until the end of time
I swear that we'll be back
Track Name: Grundledore's Grrl
Oooh Halfling girl.
Oooh Halfling girl.
You smell so sweet
with that hair on your feet.
You smell so sweet.
Check out my groovy beat.

Oooh Halfling girl.
Oooh Halfling girl.
Serve me another drink.
Take me to the brink.
Serve me another drink
so I no longer think.

Oh, Elle!
How could you love a beast
like me?
I'm just so ugly.
Gnarly old buck tusks.
Pheromone orc musk.
Heart that is an empty husk.
How could it work for us?

Oh, Elle!
How could you love a beast
like me?
I'm always hungry.
Get me some soup, miss.
I'm hungrier than Tantalus.
Can I get a drink, please?
I'm down on my knobby knees.
Track Name: Sunk Cost Fallacy
Don't be fooled by the stars in your eyes
They are full of dreams and lies

I lost my spouse
I lost my horse
I lost my house
In my divorce

I hope I win I hope win I know I'm gonna win
Track Name: We Don't Care Nothing
When that fucker tried to frame us
Yinz got his back
Slanderized and defamed us
Go suck on my crack

We don’t care about your shitty little town
We don’t care nothin’ at all
You’re all stuck in a shitty little town now
You judge us for our Rock and Roll

We’ll defeat an evil enchanter
We’ll slam your Galeb Dor
Can’t be stopped by a minor elemental
Rock and Roll’s gonna change the world!

We don’t care about your shitty little town
We don’t care nothin’ at all
We don’t care about your shitty little town
We just care about Rock and Roll

Go straight to Hell
Go puke in your well
Your town is so wack
Go suck on my sweaty crack
Track Name: You Wanna Play Some D&D?
You want to play some D&D?
Go grab your dice and come with me!
We’ll roll a gnome and then we’ll know
how tiny bards are smart but slow
They...cast...illusions. Ba ba-da-ba

You want to play some D&D?
First, fill your mug and have some tea!
We’ll roll an elf and then we’ll find
how woodland bards are truly kind
They’re... wise... and graceful. Ba ba-da-ba

You want to play some D&D?
We found the Dungeon Master’s Guide at the library
We’ll roll a half-orc and then we’ll see
how sneaky bards acquire things for free.
They’re... tough... as nails. Ba ba-da-ba

D is for displacer beast
E is for that ettin
A is for an aboleth
D 'cause they’re all dead (WE KILLED THEM)

D’s for drow or dragon
E is for an elemental,
A is for that armoire mimic
D 'cause they’re all dead (WE KILLED THEM)

Still want to play some D&D?
Just call a friend (but really three!).
We’ll roll a party and we’ll discover
that love is all we needed from each other
We... play... together. It’s D&D.
Track Name: Wereboar art thou?
hey, you! finely,
we’re here to solve your mystery.
investigation’s underway
so later we can play!

first stop: the tavern
to interview the townsfolk:
it’s the who—it’s the what—it’s the why—it’s the when—
it’s the weeeere wolf!

next stop: the blacksmith
to buy some silver weaponry:
for the who—for the what—for the why—for the when—
for the weeeere wolf!

hey! you! brambles,
we’re finding inconsistencies
right now we’re on the clock
so tonight we can really rock

but this is taking way too long
we have to keep on searching
for the who—for the what—for the why—for the when—
for the weeeere wolf!

third stop’s the charm:
the butcher and his sausages:
he’s the who—he’s the what—he’s the why—he’s the when—
he’s the weeeere boar!

acrobatics on the roof,
and stealth checks in the night...
we’ll roll to hit, and it’ll crit,
prepare to lose this fight!

hey, you! wilbur,
we’re onto you, you sneaky pig
we’ll find you and we’ll take you out
to dinner then to death
Track Name: Wretched Demise
You can suck my blood
You can drain my soul
But you can't take away
my rock and roll

Bring on the wolves
Bring out the knives
I'll cut you
I'll cut you deep inside

Bring out the wolves
Bring out the knives
I'll gut
I'll gut you, baby, alive

You can suck my blood
You can drain my soul
But you can't take away
my rock and roll

Gaze into darkness
I'll fill you with fright
Fill me with your
dark delight

I hear your whispers
I hear your lies
a thousand wings and
a thousand eyes

Venomous lips
Conquering eyes
Bone-chilling touch
Wretched demise
Track Name: Gnolls and Goblins
You got a problem?
Gnolls, and bugbears, and a horde of goblins
Grab a scroll of sending and
call Antlem Meyhem 'cause you know we'll stop 'em

You got a criminal shut down your place?
When the show's on the line, Antler Mayhem's on the case.
We're always trying tying up loose ends
We'll get your venue opened up again

They can't elude us for nothing 'cause
we're gonna turn this case around
If you're guilty, don't you try to run
'cause Antler Mayhem's the smartest band in town
Track Name: Intro Song
They're a band of bards, who are solving mysteries while they're out on tour. We promise that you won't be bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour!
Track Name: Outro
It's the Bardic Mystery Tour.
There's only one thing we implore:
Tell all your friends and they're tell more.
Warn your sheriff 'cause we're kickin' in doors.

Rollin' dice with our best friends.
Solvin' mysteries again and again.
Writin' songs about our quests
once a week on the internets.

It's the Bardic Mystery Tour.
If yinz wanna hear more
buy some merch at the store.
Rate us with a 5-star score.

It's the Bardic Mystery Tour. x4
Track Name: Dungeon Onion
If you’re gonna be crawlin’ round in dungeons,
Don’t eat too many onions
Just in case you gotta sneak
You don’t want to make a noisy leak

It’ll give away your position
And make a sticky situation
Figurative and literally
And that’s a tough condition

So you just gotta keep in mind
To set those leeks aside
For the sake of your whole party
And so you don’t end up farty