From Chelsea

by Bardic Mystery Tour

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Phran These songs from The Bardic Mystery Tour podcast are so good. Antler Mayhem knows how to kick ass and rock off faces. The one exception is Roland's Song which sucks as much as Roland does. Favorite track: You're a Manticore.
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1.
1234 We're Antler Mayhem This is our anthem If there's a monster in town We'll slay them Then we'll play a show In celebration So ready your payment To Antler Mayhem
2.
You’re a liar And you’re full of yourself Just a jerk You’re a manti…coooooore Tearing others down To make yourself feel good Empty threats You’re a manti-snoooooore Wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh Wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh Wooah oh woooah oh oh wooahhh You’re simple And your insults are trite Tired taunts You’re a manti-boooooore! You need attention Because you're insecure On and On What a manti-chore! Nanananana Nanananana Nanananannana What’s a manticore He’s belligerent He’s arrogant He’s full of himself You’re narcissistic You’re egotistical Your words are venomous You’re a manticore! Grumpy lion chained to the floor. Slingin’ words of hate It’s manti-waaaaaaaar!
3.
Lord Falcon 01:51
As thunder rolls across the plains Chasing a lightning flash And nature stands in silent fear of events that soon will pass The armies of hell are swelling now to enact their heinous plan The tattered army of King Cilaud makes their final stand The demon hoard's just one assault from ravaging the meek As a shadow spreads across the field cast from the mountain peak Lord Falcon Enemy of evil and the vile Lord Falcon Banisher of wickedness for miles Falcon sits astride his steed looming oh so large His warriors are at his side as they begin to charge To turn the battle just in time against the demon horde A thousand of the bravest men riding unicorns Lord Falcon Enemy of evil and the vile Lord Falcon Banisher of wickedness for miles
4.
We’re traveling in this forest (it’s not a forest) Join along in the chorus (there is no chorus) We’re traveling in this mine (my friends and I) Use the buddy system (don’t get left be-hind) When you’re in a dark hall, better look out son, There’s a monster down here so you gotta run If your party’s full of gnomes it will eat you all ‘Cause this ravenous jelly is ten feet tall Ya gotta learn how to monetize Things that you just might find beasts of all shapes and kinds Deep in the dwarven mines Don’t run away and don’t be rash Ya gotta take note how it cleans the path It’s not a black pudding or an ochre ooze It’s just your friendly neighborhood gelatinous cube Just dig a big pit and lure it down It can eat all the waste of a dwarven town It gobbles up garbage and keeps rats away Just keep it well fed or it’ll ruin your day Ya gotta learn how to monetize Things that you just might find beasts of all shapes and kinds Deep in the dwarven mines It clears stone surfaces of mold and muck But if you’re not careful you’ll be outta luck You don’t have to be quick when you try to dodge Cause it’s got a slow moving pseudopod When I say Gelatinous you say Cube Gelatinous (cube) Gelatinous (cube) First wave, third wave, two-tone, too That boy can’t skank, but that boy is Rude He don’t like progressive rock or delta blues He needs that one-drop beat and that Lloyd Knibb Groove Now there’s a real cool cat With a pork pie hat He’s my pelican friend named Jimmy Piss When I put him on the mic he sounds like this *Jimmy skats here* Hey Let me go Always take a torch ‘cuz they don’t like light They hang out in the dark ‘cuz they ain’t too bright Be sure to take a buddy when you go inside Of a cave so you don’t get eaten alive We traveled in this mine (I got it right this time) If you sang at least one line (you did just fine) We traveled in this mine (my friends and I) We used the buddy system (didn’t get left behind)
5.
Watch out in the alley Down by the old storm doors There’s a pack of blink dogs Blinkin’ on all fours They’re barkin’ up a ruckus Howlin’ all night long Keepin’ up the neighbors With their nasty songs Cuz they know somethin’ we don’t And they are terrified We probably should be too, But we have yet to die (They say) “Don’t go in the basement, There’s malice in the air Horrifying nightmares Wall to wall downstairs” (We go in and see) giant wolves and beetles Reanimated guts… Look out where you’re steppin’ They might eat one of us In the corner sits a creature, A giant, warty toad (He can) use his sticky tongue To swallow a whole, entire gnome! “This stomach’s suffocating I’m trying to get out My jerk friends keep on laughing Ignoring all my shouts ...Now if you think that’s scary Don’t go in the woods There’s something killing pegasi Leaving nasty, gruesome wounds With two spiky tentacles Six eviscerating claws Hair as dark as midnight And drooly gnarly maws You never really can Discern precise location Of this monster due To magic obfuscation Your shimmer is a sham We’re onto your position Thanks to Tasha’s laughter You’re just a toothless kitten You don’t know how to prowl And you don’t know how to creep You don’t know how to pounce You’re done, Displacer Beast You’re done, Displacer Beast
6.
Wandering through the plains of B’Rudé in search of the town's lost gatekeeper we stumbled upon an imposing shrub feature guarded by a swarthy red brute A menacing beast wielding dual blades of bloodshed two horns and a cliched snout piercing we wave for distraction and magically charm him and then we get ready to loot Round and round we walk into his maze Always turning left that's the right way A spiraling path that leads to a treasure the minotaur's most prized possessions and as we grow closer we imagine his riches a mountain of gold... maybe two Round and round we walk into his maze Always turning left that's the right way On and on we trudge bushes for days curving in we search hoping for Rolf and maybe some treasure We find he's a kind-hearted creature a sentimental foe his teddy-bull, his drawing, and his guardian tree We each shed a tear and go
7.
Bogm'hren 02:24
They call me bright edge I like the smell of fresh baked bread Yes I like bubbles And I like the color red They call me bright edge I like snow and butterflies I like rainbows And my claws are sharp as knives They call me Bright Edge I like taking walks outside I like autumn because all the leaves have died They call me Bright Edge I leave gifts for frank and lynn I’m a nice guy And my happiness is sin They call me Bright Edge I like playing games With the creatures That I plan to slay They call me Bright Edge I like the feel of crunching bones Yes I like chew toys And I like their desperate moans They call me Bright Edge And I like after-rain I like puddles Made of blood and guts and brains They call me Bright Edge But my real name’s Bogm’hren I’m a nice guy And my happiness is sin And my happiness is sin And my happiness is sin
8.
This song is Roland's song I sing it all day long It could go on and on Would you like to sing along No... not really... but I'd like to get us out of here Be nice to him, be nice to him, he's our friend Gonna get a new pair of gloves
9.
For years we’ve been fixed, attached to this perch unable to scratch the itch of ascending each day, scouting creatures to slay at this all-we-can-char buffet Goat: I’ve been missing my kids I’ve been missing my home Those imperial orcs Have turned us to stone A plated meal Is all that I need Let’s accelerate, friends, To ramming speed! Chorus Lion: Tasty raw meat, just can’t be beat Such a nice treat, I feel incomplete... I miss gnawing bones, I cry and I moan We feel so alone, we are brothers in stone We brothers take flight, we’ll swoop from this height With prowess and might we slash and I bite! Chorus Dragon: Gold! Char-Broiled! Lava! BBQ! Riches! Vengeance! Treasure! Fire! We’re finally free Of this flesh-to-stone spell And we’re able to scratch that itch We’re ascending today, We found creatures to slay, And it’s dinner time, hooray Fire! Ramming speed! Slash and I bite!
10.
Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Better than a beer fest you're gonna be obsessed Hey Ho! This bar’s the best Surf n’ turf, give me more Vanilla and chocolate swirl Arnold palmer; jack and Coke Black coffee, I don't think so Calamocho, thanks to Zach Bacon burger heart attack Grab a grapple. gotta munch Food Truck. pancake brunch Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Better than a beer fest you're gonna be obsessed Hey Ho! This bar’s the best. Half elf half orc Halfling cyborg Centaur Minotaur Half-priced happy hour Gin&juice. Vodka tonic Whiskey ginger. Supersonic Dark&stormy. Black&tan Radler Bier. Pb&.... JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!!!!!! Breakdown: Cookies and….CREAM! marble…. CAKE! sweet and sour…. CHICKEN! Jamoca…. SHAKE! Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest Half things half rest
11.
You came into my life like a sundered boulder I can’t wait to marry you when we get older I’m so attracted and I don’t know why I fell in love when I looked into your eyes. I look into your eyes you make me go crazy My gut’s a-flutter and my mind is hazy I know our love is no illusion It’s meta-magical confusion <chorus> I’m gonna stay here with you ‘Cause it’s all want to do ooo-ooo I want to roam around for you ooo-ooo It’s all I wanna do </chorus> A muscley man that’s emotionally raw A manly man with a mandible jaw Your furry arms can squeeze me to bits I want to snuggle with your carapace All my friends say I’m just confused My favored enemy type is ooze But I think that I know better I got a bug man with a full time sweater <chorus> You’re so incredible, but you’re not green You’re still strong when you’re not mean Don’t understand you when you talk You’re not Hogan, you’re my umber hulk Stay here with you is all I want to do ooo-ooo I want to roam around for you ooo-ooo It’s all I wanna do So I say so long to my so called friends
12.
No Curfew 02:03
We stay up all night We drink and we fight We party the whole night through When’re rocking on tour, But one thing’s for sure We can’t <beat> adhere to no curfew We’re always a ruckus So The man tries to cuff us But the law can’t tell us what to do The cops and the sheriff, Not even our parents Control us. No, we don’t care who. Golems or goblins Or arrogant lawmen We’ll fight everyone in our way But we’re obstinate bards And we drink really hard So we sleep through the bulk of the day Our night time is precious Just try and arrest us We have a drinking tradition So we can’t abide Some rule to stay inside We’ll continue without your permission
13.
This song is not a sing-along It's all I have still holding on Sung by myself ‘cause I have been all along This song can't fix everything that's wrong Keep it down. It ain't no sing-along Gazing up and down the road I can't tell my life from the unknown Left is right, and you've guessed I just want to be left Alone…. Gazing down the road Skies are blue and flowers red How did this all come to a head? Do you think that it can end Without bruised and bloodied friends Moans…. Gazing across the road. This song is not a sing-along It's all I have still holding on Sung by myself ‘cause I have been all along This song can't fix everything that's wrong Keep it down. It ain't no sing-along
14.
Yet I Wait 03:19
I grow still as this chill to my bones takes hold I am bound by this ice I can't feel. I grow cold I am tied to this swamp by an ice monster's gaze Numb and lonely and immobile Frost surrounds me on all sides She'll be fine She'll survive We'll be back with some help In seemingly no time at all Slugs slime past to the east then the west while I wait birds are born taught to fly leave the nest while I wait leaves have browned fallen down season's changed yet I wait Numb and lonely and immobile Frost surrounds me on all sides She'll be fine She'll survive We'll be back with some help No matter how much time it takes Numb and lonely and immobile Frost surrounds me on all sides She'll be fine She'll survive Even if it takes until the end of time I swear that we'll be back
15.
Oooh Halfling girl. Oooh Halfling girl. You smell so sweet with that hair on your feet. You smell so sweet. Check out my groovy beat. Oooh Halfling girl. Oooh Halfling girl. Serve me another drink. Take me to the brink. Serve me another drink so I no longer think. Oh, Elle! How could you love a beast like me? I'm just so ugly. Gnarly old buck tusks. Pheromone orc musk. Heart that is an empty husk. How could it work for us? Oh, Elle! How could you love a beast like me? I'm always hungry. Get me some soup, miss. I'm hungrier than Tantalus. Can I get a drink, please? I'm down on my knobby knees.
16.
Don't be fooled by the stars in your eyes They are full of dreams and lies I lost my spouse I lost my horse I lost my house In my divorce I hope I win I hope win I know I'm gonna win
17.
When that fucker tried to frame us Yinz got his back Slanderized and defamed us Go suck on my crack We don’t care about your shitty little town We don’t care nothin’ at all You’re all stuck in a shitty little town now You judge us for our Rock and Roll We’ll defeat an evil enchanter We’ll slam your Galeb Dor Can’t be stopped by a minor elemental Rock and Roll’s gonna change the world! We don’t care about your shitty little town We don’t care nothin’ at all We don’t care about your shitty little town We just care about Rock and Roll Go straight to Hell Go puke in your well Your town is so wack Go suck on my sweaty crack
18.
You want to play some D&D? Go grab your dice and come with me! We’ll roll a gnome and then we’ll know how tiny bards are smart but slow They...cast...illusions. Ba ba-da-ba You want to play some D&D? First, fill your mug and have some tea! We’ll roll an elf and then we’ll find how woodland bards are truly kind They’re... wise... and graceful. Ba ba-da-ba You want to play some D&D? We found the Dungeon Master’s Guide at the library We’ll roll a half-orc and then we’ll see how sneaky bards acquire things for free. They’re... tough... as nails. Ba ba-da-ba D is for displacer beast E is for that ettin A is for an aboleth D 'cause they’re all dead (WE KILLED THEM) D’s for drow or dragon E is for an elemental, A is for that armoire mimic D 'cause they’re all dead (WE KILLED THEM) Still want to play some D&D? Just call a friend (but really three!). We’ll roll a party and we’ll discover that love is all we needed from each other We... play... together. It’s D&D.
19.
hey, you! finely, we’re here to solve your mystery. investigation’s underway so later we can play! first stop: the tavern to interview the townsfolk: it’s the who—it’s the what—it’s the why—it’s the when— it’s the weeeere wolf! next stop: the blacksmith to buy some silver weaponry: for the who—for the what—for the why—for the when— for the weeeere wolf! hey! you! brambles, we’re finding inconsistencies right now we’re on the clock so tonight we can really rock but this is taking way too long we have to keep on searching for the who—for the what—for the why—for the when— for the weeeere wolf! third stop’s the charm: the butcher and his sausages: he’s the who—he’s the what—he’s the why—he’s the when— he’s the weeeere boar! acrobatics on the roof, and stealth checks in the night... we’ll roll to hit, and it’ll crit, prepare to lose this fight! hey, you! wilbur, we’re onto you, you sneaky pig we’ll find you and we’ll take you out to dinner then to death
20.
You can suck my blood You can drain my soul But you can't take away my rock and roll Bring on the wolves Bring out the knives I'll cut you I'll cut you deep inside Bring out the wolves Bring out the knives I'll gut I'll gut you, baby, alive You can suck my blood You can drain my soul But you can't take away my rock and roll Gaze into darkness I'll fill you with fright Fill me with your dark delight I hear your whispers I hear your lies a thousand wings and a thousand eyes Venomous lips Conquering eyes Bone-chilling touch Wretched demise
21.
You got a problem? Gnolls, and bugbears, and a horde of goblins Grab a scroll of sending and call Antlem Meyhem 'cause you know we'll stop 'em You got a criminal shut down your place? When the show's on the line, Antler Mayhem's on the case. We're always trying tying up loose ends We'll get your venue opened up again They can't elude us for nothing 'cause we're gonna turn this case around If you're guilty, don't you try to run 'cause Antler Mayhem's the smartest band in town
22.
They're a band of bards, who are solving mysteries while they're out on tour. We promise that you won't be bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour!
23.
Outro 02:11
It's the Bardic Mystery Tour. There's only one thing we implore: Tell all your friends and they're tell more. Warn your sheriff 'cause we're kickin' in doors. Rollin' dice with our best friends. Solvin' mysteries again and again. Writin' songs about our quests once a week on the internets. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour. If yinz wanna hear more buy some merch at the store. Rate us with a 5-star score. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour. x4
24.
If you’re gonna be crawlin’ round in dungeons, Don’t eat too many onions Just in case you gotta sneak You don’t want to make a noisy leak It’ll give away your position And make a sticky situation Figurative and literally And that’s a tough condition So you just gotta keep in mind To set those leeks aside For the sake of your whole party And so you don’t end up farty

about

These are all the songs from the first year of the podcast Bardic Mystery Tour! They're collected here for your listening pleasure!

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released September 1, 2019

Bardic Mystery Tour is: Brayton Batson, Edd Batson, Emi Eisenfeld, Victron Funkenstein.

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Bardic Mystery Tour Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

We're a band of bards solving mysteries when we're out on tour. We promise that you won't get bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour! (Liveplay 5e DnD Podcast.)

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