Road to Fame

by Bardic Mystery Tour

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1.
Intro Song 00:17
This is Bardic Mystery Tour, and we really hope you will adore these new detective bards galore comin' atcha in season four!
2.
Sticks and stones Can’t break my bones But poison words can hurt me And if this town Kicks me around Well then, they don’t deserve me Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater Whatcha gonna eat in a potato blight Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones gives your neighbors quite a fright I met a bone-eater, he lived out in the woods His name was Bondajoli and ten foot high he stood He said to me, now do not fear for your life This name's been causing me an awful lot of strife Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater You gotta eat bones to grow to my height You sack of hypocrites, you all eat bones, too I see you boilin’ all them bones to make yer stew But yet you say to me that I am the outcaast Ya came to that conclusion aw-fully faast Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater Crunchy snack before your next fight Since when is eating bones considered a crime Ya vilified me inside your yokel minds Put down your pitchforks, quit gatherin’ ‘round the steeple I’ll say it clearly now: I DO NOT EAT PEOPLE Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater Steamed bones: a culinary delight Bone-eater bone-eater Eating bones in the middle of the night Bone-eater bone-eater If eating bones is wrong, I don’t wanna be right — What’s in a name They can’t confine you Be your own person, sing it proud Libel and slights Don’t let them abuse you Stand up for yourself, stand out of the crowd What’s in a name They can’t define you Don’t let other people bring you down Labels and slurs Don’t let them malign you You’re not an outsider, THIS IS YOUR TOWN
3.
Bad Pudding 03:48
Hey pudding on the ceiling Why do you hang out in this cave? Are you trying to get a date? What's with this acid dripping? It's really messing with my vibe We could be friends if you'd try! Bad pudding you're outta your mind Bad pudding I don't know why Bad pudding you gotta divide For you to multiply! Why the long face buddy? I keep trying to communicate But you just won't take the bait. I'm done with talking, jerkface I'll slice you right in two— Damn, now there's double more of you! Bad pudding you're outta your mind Bad pudding I don't know why Bad pudding you gotta divide For you to multiply! Don't go adventuring in Caves where puddings like to hang They're all part of one big gang! They'll leave you feeling lonely And downright ostracized— Real friends never make you pick a side! Bad pudding you're outta your mind Bad pudding I don't know why Bad pudding you gotta divide For you to multiply!
4.
Mageball 03:40
Well, the grill's warmed up and the beers are cold, I’ve been waitin’ all year for this Magebowl! Flying around with no brooms in sight— I'm so excited for Sunday night! Paid my bills now let's have a little fun, Sittin’ back and watchin’ prestidigitations! Telekinesis and levitation— Let's see how fast that mage can run! Mage baa-all, Comin’ atcha this summer and fall! Mage baa-all, Let’s watch 'em hoop some skulls! Mage baa-all, Fans for the long-haul Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! The draw for me is the wagonside food, Get yer guts greased up to get in the mood Some deep fried corn and some pig on a stick Just make it back to see the opening Flick Fill yer canteen up, get yer horse in a stall... And don’t forget to swing yer terrible towel! It’s a spectator sport and if you know your magic You can cast interference if you’re super slick Mage baa-all, Comin’ atcha this summer and fall! Mage baa-all, Let’s watch 'em hoop some skulls! Mage baa-all, Fans for the long-haul Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! I've been driving this cart all Cat damn day I just Wanna sit back and watch my favorite team play Working all day, and giving my all Extraplanar Lords, can I see some Mageball?! I’ve never been one to enjoy the game, But when a fight breaks out, the crowd goes insane No broken teeth means the game’s too tame, No blood, no gore—Oh what a shame! Mage baa-all, Comin’ atcha this summer and fall! Mage baa-all, Let’s watch 'em hoop some skulls! Mage baa-all, Fans for the long-haul Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! We’re not like those Chesney fans, We clean up the trash from beside our vans If there's no Glitterdust I can't see a Mage Hand So I'm just here to see the halftime band. I never really was no good at math But four out of seven doesn’t sound like half I came for the tunes and the friends in the crowd But it ain't really half time if there ain't no death round! Mage baa-all, Comin’ atcha this summer and fall! Mage baa-all, Let’s watch 'em hoop some skulls! Mage baa-all, Fans for the long-haul Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! Mage baa-all, Everybody sing it, come on, y’all! Mage baa-all, You can run or walk or crawl! Mage baa-all, Wave yer scarf or yer fav’rit shawl! Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! Mage baa-all, Sing along if yer tall or small! Mage baa-all, Bring yer warlock and all their thralls! Mage baa-all, C’mon, Ref, that’s a bogus call! Mage baa-all, It’s the best sport of them all! The best sport of them all.
5.
Lars 02:46
If you ask us, we’ll say it’s true Dreamlancer rocks (way) harder than you! We rock in towns both near and far And we got a gerbil-dog named Lars Lars is the best little pal around And when he’s nervous he thumps the ground He's got a white star on his brow He jumps and frolics in the grass Like a presto tempo, he’s so fast He’ll kick your disharmonic ass! When you come out, to see our show Or listen to our tracks from the studio You’re gonna have to hold on tight ‘Cause Dreamlancer will rock you through the night On your stereo or at the bar We play fast and we play hard Our twitchy drummer keeps the beat With his monstrous fluffy feet Lars is the best little pal around And when he’s nervous he thumps the ground He's got a white star on his brow He jumps and frolics in the grass Like a presto tempo, he’s so fast He’ll kick your disharmonic ass! Lars is the best little pal around! Lars is the best little pal around! Lars is the best little pal around! Lars is the best little pal around!
6.
If we catch the golden salmon He'll grant us each one wish We can all be famous We could each be filthy rich You can have that +1 weapon You could even be a king When I was just a youngling foxkin My papa always told me… Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on ‘til the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends If I caught the fish of fortune I'd still travel this whole world But I'd rest myself in splendor In my litter made of gold From behind my silken curtain I can peer at all my fans I can copy all the cool ones While I rock out with my band Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on ‘til the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends If I catch that tasty glowing fish I'll reluctantly use a wish To learn all the world's stories And bask in bardic glory And when I head back to see the cubs I'm gonna give them tummy rubs Put on a tantalizing show And then we'll frolic in the snow Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on till the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends When I catch the golden salmon I'm gonna take a little nap Lay down under a big full moon In my cozy hammock Roll down a hill of clover Over and over and over and over Write letters to all my friends And hack that sack until the end Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on till the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends If I had just one wish I'd get my great granddaddy back And I'd spend all afternoon With him bouncing me on his lap He'd sing a song and he'd fiddle About the good old days When he'd go out on adventures And the people that he'd save Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on till the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends Wishes come from fishes, so set out on your quest Always weigh your options and try to do your best Giving up’s for gooses, so hang on till the end Be kind to everybody and it'll pay out dividends
7.
Leiden Bay 04:39
A harvest worth a fortune That we’re haulin’ out today. Clearing out and shoving off On our way to Leiden Bay Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts I’ll vaguely miss this mountain And its musty, fungal caves Packin’ up to line our pockets Sellin’ stock across the way Once we sell our harvest off We’ll party like the fey A thousand casks of wine and rum Gulped down at Leiden Bay Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts We’re all a team--a commune We share the workload here Hand in hand together, We’re no band of buccaneers We’ve got no space for leeches If we catch a stowaway We’ll make them walk the plank On the trip to Leiden Bay Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts DOWN THE ROPES, HOIST THE SAILS, SWAB THAT BLASTED DECK TAKE CARE TO MIND YER MANNERS OR YOU’LL BE DARNED TO HECK Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts Out on the horizon A storm is brewin’ dark Batten up the hatches And strap down on my mark Once we’re in the harbor We’ll carouse the night away And sleep it off in the holding cell In our town of Leiden Bay Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts DOWN THE ROPES, HOIST THE SAILS, SWAB THAT BLASTED DECK TAKE CARE TO MIND YER MANNERS OR YOU’LL BE DARNED TO HECK Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay We’ve weighed the anchor and we’re ready to depart Leiden Bay, Leiden Bay The clouds will pave the way for our hearts The clouds will pave the way for our hearts
8.
I’ve got a box of math rocks I like to count them 1 2 3 4 5! I roll each one for a reason: Some to fill me up with points of life! Sometimes I roll them for damage Sometimes I roll them to see if I’ll survive! Every die has its purpose— Wait, what the hell is the one that has twelve sides? Dodecahedrons: So many sides! Dodecahedrons: Who even needs 'em? I don't know why. I don’t use a great axe and I don’t go into berserker rage! I’m not a landshark, and I never cast a poison spray! I don’t animate objects— I’m not even a transmutation mage! Don’t have a Wand of Orcus I’ll just give this resin trash away. Dodecahedrons: So many sides! Dodecahedrons: Who even needs 'em? I don't know why. So you don’t like your math rocks? Well, get ready for a party wipe Pass down your d12s For the damage from the Tarrasque bite Dodecahedrons: So many sides! Dodecahedrons: Your DM might need them... I don't know why. Dodecahedrons: So many sides! Dodecahedrons: Who even needs 'em? I don't know why.
9.
If you'll be my Artemis I’ll be your Oaky kiss and we'll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down next to mine. I will stay here, I’ll be your songbird (Oh, just how lovely for me!) Crooning for you, my dear. I will stay here, (I know,) I’ll keep your acorns, (you will do what I ask you to do.) Changing for you, my dear. I'll be your Goddess and you’ll be my huntress and we'll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down next to mine. I will stay here, (I’m sure.) Teach me your Tree Stride (Of course!) I’ll follow you, my dear. (Anywhere.) You will stay here (Right here,) Speaking in Sylvan, (learning what you want me to.) Protecting for me, my dear. I'll be your Artemis and you will defend us and we’ll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. I'll be your Artemis (I’ll be your oaky kiss) and you will defend us and we’ll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down Next to mine.
10.
Papa told me That I had to grow up to be Another accountant Like the rest of the family Mama agreed She said so incessantly A stable job and a family Is the way to respectability You only bend until you break It’s a mistake to play it safe Lookin’ hard for an easy escape In the schoolyard throwin’ fists With a bunch of conventionalists They would cry to teacher ‘Cause they were all convictionless All my teachers tried to say Just how I should spend my day Trapped inside their classes So I can pad my resume You only bend until you break It’s a mistake to play it safe Lookin’ hard for an easy escape You only bend until you break It’s a mistake to play it safe Lookin’ hard for an easy escape And I Wanna live life my way So we Gotta fight society! And they still come after you From the HDPW: "It’s our town, so don’t you go Anywhere that you want to!" The cops will back ‘em up— Self-righteous, fascist fucks Hell-bent on compliance Tell us how you feel about the government! And I Wanna live life my way So we Gotta fight society! You only bend until you break It’s a mistake to play it safe Lookin’ hard for an easy escape You only bend until you break It’s a mistake to play it safe Lookin’ hard for an easy escape And I Wanna live life my way So we Gotta fight society!
11.
To whom it may concern I write this letter My heir was kidnapped in the night So I’m offering treasure Endless gold and gems And spices from afar Bring my daughter back Signed, King Ordinar Sail over the ocean And wade through the haunted swamp Cross the burning desert And climb the mountain top There you will find a mage A wizard of greatest power Smite that villain down And Retrieve my kidnapped daughter So we chartered a craft My party and I And set off in the night Under a dark and stormy sky We sailed over the ocean And waded through the haunted swamp We crossed the burning desert And climbed to the mountain top Raise your glass To Glory and Honor Raise your glass To Riches and Wealth Fortune and favor, Wisdom and health Raise your glass When we reached that tower Weapons in hand. Crossbows ready. Poised to make the breach Our resolve was holding steady Onto a balcony Stepped a shadowy, robed figure So I pointed my gleaming sword And narrated this lecture We’ve sailed over the ocean And waded through the haunted swamp We’ve crossed the burning desert And climbed to this mountain top Stepping into the light revealing its identity The daughter of the king cried out You’ve all been deceived beguiled by an evil ruse My father is long since dead And his murd’rous wife sits on his throne instead So climb down this mountain And cross that blasted desert traverse the haunted swamp There never was a treasure Raise your glass To Glory and Honor Raise your glass To Riches and Wealth Fortune and fa-vor, Wisdom and health Raise your glass We won’t leave empty handed We’ll come to get our treasure Don’t cross us, phoney Queen Your death would be our pleasure! So we’re gonna climb down this mountain And march along the craggy gorge To the capital castle Through that imposter’s door Raise your glass To Glory and Honor Raise your glass To Riches and Wealth Fortune and favor, Wisdom and health Raise your glass Raise your glass To Glory and Honor Raise your glass To Riches and Wealth Fortune and favor, Wisdom and health Raise your glass

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released May 25, 2020

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Bardic Mystery Tour Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

We're a band of bards solving mysteries when we're out on tour. We promise that you won't get bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour! (Liveplay 5e DnD Podcast.)

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