Seasides & B​-​Sides

by Bardic Mystery Tour

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1.
Bardic Mystery Tour is always here for you— Strap them boots on, here comes season two! We're a band of bards solving mysteries— Join us on adventures if you please.
2.
Once Upon a time I was brewin’ beer Started out with a thousand pounds of grain Always crush that barley never pulverize Got to keep those husks for the drain Later on that day we were sparging out And everything was going as we’d planned Suddenly, a barley plug stopped up the pipes We figured it out and made it flow alright There’s a mess on the floor We need to clean it up Wash our problems Down the drain There’s a mess on the floor We need to clean it up Wash our problems Down the drain Boil, boil, toil and trouble Throw those hops in before it bubbles Don’t get bitter. We’re keeping tensions down Add some more just before flame out Sanitation holds a very critical role You have to cool the wort so yeast can thrive You see, we’re gonna pitch these boys into this sugar feast So let’s exchange that heat ‘til we’re at sixty five Eighteen days to ferment Then we can carbonate It’s a bright idea Tap that keg There's a mess in my head I need to clean it up Wash my problems Down the drain Once upon a time we were guzzling down A thousand pints of that Treetrunk brown Once upon a time we were guzzling down A thousand pints of that Treetrunk brown
3.
I bought a ticket on the Opir Magna Gonna sail my troubles away. Bartender won’t pour me an ouzo and soda. So my trouble’s here to stay. Halfway across the Oggsheld Bay that blowin’ wind went away My new friends were stewin’ and trouble was brewin’ and all I can do is say We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning About this voyage called life But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve Another ouzo and lime The ship it stopped moving. It’s dead in the water. Weird hands grabbing the hull We go the captain well, he’s actually an admiral but he won’t listen at all. We went to the bottom the bottom of the boat and tried to get those bastards to row So I reached in my pocket, said the secret command word, and rolled out my foldable boat We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning About this voyage called life But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve Another ouzo and lime From the depths came an Old One, slimy and strong, and dragged our new boat to the deep He promised us riches our deepest desires and power beyond belief And then his thrull Ehab tried to surprise us and throw us into the bay We gutted that fish and gave him a stickin’ and cut off his face and made it into a mask We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning About this voyage called life But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve Another ouzo and lime We got Pyle Atson to call on Malketh to serve hot justice for one He brought his holy fire, but it wasn’t enough, so he drew all the breath in his lungs The manta ray gnome dressed to the nines jumped into the sea The two of them battled side by side until our old ship was set free We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning About this voyage called life But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve Another ouzo and lime We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning About this voyage called life But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve Another ouzo and lime
4.
Retcon 03:09
We all make mistakes; It's the curse of the craft When you're writing off the cuff Then your writing's not all that. You've gotta move on, Your mistakes are coming back Like a boomerang that's taped to a spring-loaded asp Retroactive continuity: Changing story lines retroactively! Retroactive continuity: Sometimes it's a necessity! You're describing a scene with a thousand words It's like a picture but in the minds of nerds You've got your big brush out and you're painting too fast You're saying AquanNaughts instead of AquanBats Retroactive continuity: Changing story lines retroactively! Retroactive continuity: Sometimes it's a necessity! Did we rip a hole in the fabric of time? (retcon) Did you trick us when we thought you had died? (retcon) Did we just meet today or have you been here all along? (retcon) The script says it's a dream, but that just feels wrong... RETCONNNN! Retroactive continuity: Changing story lines retroactively! Retroactive continuity: Sometimes it's a necessity!
5.
It's A Xorn 03:31
Granite tastes real gneiss, But I want to rock with you! Gold’s delicious, but my vice, Is that I want to rock with you! Flint is flashy and magma ignites, But I think I want to rock with you! Basalt and pepper each add some spice, But I’d rather rock with you! Three arms! Three legs! Three eyes! It’s a xorn! Sharp teeth! Sharp claws! Rock skin! It’s a xorn! Six strings! No pick! Let’s go! It’s a xorn! On stage! Underground! In a cave! It’s a xorn!
6.
Married to the sea When there’s no place I’d rather be. Now I’m shackled far from shore By this mistress monster. My boat ran away with an aboleth, And I don't know what I'm gonna do. I thought we had a plan— You thought I’d understand— And now I’m feeling lost without you. Married to the sea My music, my boat, and me. Now I’m shackled far from shore And from the stage, which I adore. My boat ran away with an aboleth, The fire in her heart must’ve gone. I need to get back home— I need to play my show— These melodies, they sting when I’m alone. Married to the sea When there’s no place I’d rather be. Now I’m shackled far from shore By this mistress monster.
7.
Demon frogs from another dimension We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion Demon frogs from another dimension We need bodies for the Slaadi collective We come from the plane of limbo where mayhem and chaos reign. Spawning Stone in a golden castle guarded by an amoebic brain. We came through a planar portal on a quest to expand our race. Marching in with hoards of soldiers to attack and assimilate! Assimilate! Assimilate! Demon frogs from another dimension We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion Demon frogs from another dimension We need bodies for the Slaadi collective You’ll never know if we’ve infiltrated— We change form to make disguises. We’re not frogs, we’re aberrations, and we come in many hues and sizes. Don’t listen to conspiracy theorists— there’s no gem inside my brain! If you take it, you can’t control me, and I’ll get you with the chaos phage! Chaos phage! Chaos phage! Demon frogs from another dimension We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion Demon frogs from another dimension We need bodies for the Slaadi collective Planting eggs with a slash of a claw— Our brothers have the reddest skin. Eat your heart out (after growing inside you). But who says you shouldn’t hate your kin. We prefer to use viral warfare; We like it better that way. You’ll get the phage if you don’t pay attention, And you’ll have to Wish it away. Wish it away. Wish it away. Green! Slaad! Casting spells! Grey! Slaad! Casting spells as well! Death! Comes to us all! When you’re at the top, you’re primed to fall. Demon frogs from another dimension We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion Demon frogs from another dimension Shut up and pay attention! Demon frogs from another dimension We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion Demon frogs from another dimension We need bodies! We need bodies! Demon frogs from another dimension Demon frogs from another dimension Demon frogs from another dimension Demon frogs from another dimension
8.
They call me Rolland 'cause I always 'roll' hard. I got magical songs 'cause I'm a powerful Bard. Arcane power entwined with rhyme. Keep up the pace or you’ll get left behind. Lyrics are weapons if you've got the wit, but you're trippin' on phrasing like you got a fat lip I'll travel alone if you won't come along, If I’m bored I sing this song: This song is Roland's song I sing it all day long It can go on and on would you like to sing along? My name is Rolland and I sport a green cloak. I ride with the freaks 'cause they're the best folk. If <what> my spells <what> can't slay <what> a foe, then I'll fire an arrow from my magical bow! I'd rather outfox 'cause I don't like violence, and I turn to my geode if I need a little guidance. When I’m groggy I'm waiting for dawn, I keep myself sane by singing this song: This song is Roland's song I sing it all day long It can go on and on would you like to sing along? My name is Rolland with a capital R. I've travelled this land from near to far, But the road was too rough, and the danger too real, so I hung up my bow and started catering meals. I serve fresh lamb, <oh> and I serve prime loin, <hey> and I make a ton of money in cryptocoin. Even though my days of heroics are gone, every now and then I still sing my song: This song is Roland's song I sing it all day long It can go on and on would you like to sing along?
9.
Always bring some fire To fight away a hydra. It could use some immolation To prevent regeneration. If you see the water bulging up Growin’ taller than the chimney tops Get away and don’t look back Could be a dragon or a kraken, lad. What dwells in the ocean deep and dark— A giant squid or a dire shark? It’s not a wyvern or a dragon pup... All these heads keep rising up! One head! Two heads! Three heads! Four! Five heads! And five mighty roars! Always bring some fire To fight away a hydra. It could use some immolation To prevent regeneration. So many heads so many problems You cut one down and two more pop in. They’re adding up and you’re not doing well— You try to hurt it with your combat spells! You’re wasting time with thunder and lightning And psychic damage that it might find frightening. So many heads, and you’ll soon expire Unless you come in quick with burning fire. Always bring some fire To fight away a hydra. It could use some immolation To prevent regeneration. Always bring some fire…
10.
I layed my father in the ground on a Tuesday Just me and the parson were there He said, "Do you have any thing to say? Do you have any wisdom to share?" I go back to that last day in his hospital bed— both of us gasping for air. He whispered this straight through the weight of that moment and then he was no longer there. He said, "Don't vote— Nobody asked you. Who died and made you viscount? No, you should never vote— That's not how i raised you, So don't you go running your mouth." "Don't vote— Nobody asked you . No one needs to know your affairs. Lord, I pray you, Don't vote— And bring shame on our family Listen, son, nobody cares.

about

These are all the songs from the second season of the Bardic Mystery Tour podcast!

credits

released June 17, 2019

Bardic Mystery Tour is: Brayton Batson, Edd Batson, Emi Eisenfeld, & Victron Funkenstein

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Bardic Mystery Tour Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

We're a band of bards solving mysteries when we're out on tour. We promise that you won't get bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour! (Liveplay 5e DnD Podcast.)

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