Seasides & B​-​Sides

by Bardic Mystery Tour

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about

These are all the songs from the second season of the Bardic Mystery Tour podcast! It will continue to grow until it releases in November 2019—don't worry, it will be longer than five songs when it drops.

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released June 17, 2019

Bardic Mystery Tour is: Brayton Batson, Edd Batson, Emi Eisenfeld, & Victron Funkenstein

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Bardic Mystery Tour Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

We're a band of bards solving mysteries when we're out on tour. We promise that you won't get bored. It's the Bardic Mystery Tour! (Liveplay 5e DnD Podcast.)

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Track Name: Theme Song Season Two
Bardic Mystery Tour is always here for you—
Strap them boots on, here comes season two!
We're a band of bards solving mysteries—
Join us on adventures if you please.
Track Name: Bring Some Fire
Always bring some fire
To fight away a hydra.
It could use some immolation
To prevent regeneration.

If you see the water bulging up
Growin’ taller than the chimney tops
Get away and don’t look back
Could be a dragon or a kraken, lad.

What dwells in the ocean deep and dark—
A giant squid or a dire shark?
It’s not a wyvern or a dragon pup...
All these heads keep rising up!

One head!
Two heads!
Three heads!
Four!
Five heads!
And five mighty roars!

Always bring some fire
To fight away a hydra.
It could use some immolation
To prevent regeneration.

So many heads so many problems
You cut one down and two more pop in.
They’re adding up and you’re not doing well—
You try to hurt it with your combat spells!

You’re wasting time with thunder and lightning
And psychic damage that it might find frightening.
So many heads, and you’ll soon expire
Unless you come in quick with burning fire.

Always bring some fire
To fight away a hydra.
It could use some immolation
To prevent regeneration.

Always bring some fire…
Track Name: Daddy's Last Wisdom
I layed my father in the ground on a Tuesday
Just me and the parson were there
He said, "Do you have any thing to say?
Do you have any wisdom to share?"

I go back to that last day in his hospital bed—
both of us gasping for air.
He whispered this straight through the weight of that moment
and then he was no longer there.

He said, "Don't vote—
Nobody asked you.
Who died and made you viscount?
No, you should never vote—
That's not how i raised you,
So don't you go running your mouth."

"Don't vote—
Nobody asked you .
No one needs to know your affairs.
Lord, I pray you,
Don't vote—
And bring shame on our family
Listen, son, nobody cares.
Track Name: Ouzo and Lime
I bought a ticket on the Opir Magna Gonna sail my troubles away.
Bartender won’t pour me an ouzo and soda.
So my trouble’s here to stay.
Halfway across the Oggsheld Bay that blowin’ wind went away
My new friends were stewin’ and trouble was brewin’ and all I can do is say

We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning
About this voyage called life
But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve
Another ouzo and lime

The ship it stopped moving. It’s dead in the water. Weird hands grabbing the hull
We go the captain well, he’s actually an admiral but he won’t listen at all.
We went to the bottom the bottom of the boat and tried to get those bastards to row
So I reached in my pocket, said the secret command word, and rolled out my foldable boat

We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning
About this voyage called life
But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve
Another ouzo and lime

From the depths came an Old One, slimy and strong, and dragged our new boat to the deep
He promised us riches our deepest desires and power beyond belief
And then his thrull Ehab tried to surprise us and throw us into the bay
We gutted that fish and gave him a stickin’ and cut off his face and made it into a mask

We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning
About this voyage called life
But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve
Another ouzo and lime

We got Pyle Atson to call on Malketh to serve hot justice for one
He brought his holy fire, but it wasn’t enough, so he drew all the breath in his lungs

The manta ray gnome dressed to the nines jumped into the sea
The two of them battled side by side until our old ship was set free

We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning
About this voyage called life
But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve
Another ouzo and lime

We’re just four best friends sailing and drinking and learning
About this voyage called life
But it’s thrown us a curve so I think I deserve
Another ouzo and lime
Track Name: Married to the Sea
Married to the sea
When there’s no place I’d rather be.
Now I’m shackled far from shore
By this mistress monster.

My boat ran away with an aboleth,
And I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I thought we had a plan—
You thought I’d understand—
And now I’m feeling lost without you.

Married to the sea
My music, my boat, and me.
Now I’m shackled far from shore
And from the stage, which I adore.

My boat ran away with an aboleth,
The fire in her heart must’ve gone.
I need to get back home—
I need to play my show—
These melodies, they sting when I’m alone.

Married to the sea
When there’s no place I’d rather be.
Now I’m shackled far from shore
By this mistress monster.
Track Name: Roland's Reprise
They call me Rolland 'cause I always 'roll' hard.
I got magical songs 'cause I'm a powerful Bard.
Arcane power entwined with rhyme.
Keep up the pace or you’ll get left behind.
Lyrics are weapons if you've got the wit,
but you're trippin' on phrasing like you got a fat lip
I'll travel alone if you won't come along,
If I’m bored I sing this song:

This song is Roland's song
I sing it all day long
It can go on and on
would you like to sing along?

My name is Rolland and I sport a green cloak.
I ride with the freaks 'cause they're the best folk.
If <what> my spells <what> can't slay <what> a foe,
then I'll fire an arrow from my magical bow!
I'd rather outfox 'cause I don't like violence,
and I turn to my geode if I need a little guidance.
When I’m groggy I'm waiting for dawn,
I keep myself sane by singing this song:

This song is Roland's song
I sing it all day long
It can go on and on
would you like to sing along?

My name is Rolland with a capital R.
I've travelled this land from near to far,
But the road was too rough, and the danger too real,
so I hung up my bow and started catering meals.
I serve fresh lamb, <oh> and I serve prime loin, <hey>
and I make a ton of money in cryptocoin.
Even though my days of heroics are gone,
every now and then I still sing my song:

This song is Roland's song
I sing it all day long
It can go on and on
would you like to sing along?
Track Name: It's A Xorn
Granite tastes real gneiss,
But I want to rock with you!
Gold’s delicious, but my vice,
Is that I want to rock with you!
Flint is flashy and magma ignites,
But I think I want to rock with you!
Basalt and pepper each add some spice,
But I’d rather rock with you!

Three arms! Three legs!
Three eyes! It’s a xorn!
Sharp teeth! Sharp claws!
Rock skin! It’s a xorn!

Six strings! No pick!
Let’s go! It’s a xorn!
On stage! Underground!
In a cave! It’s a xorn!
Track Name: Mess on the Floor
Once Upon a time I was brewin’ beer
Started out with a thousand pounds of grain
Always crush that barley never pulverize
Got to keep those husks for the drain

Later on that day we were sparging out
And everything was going as we’d planned
Suddenly, a barley plug stopped up the pipes
We figured it out and made it flow alright

There’s a mess on the floor
We need to clean it up
Wash our problems
Down the drain

There’s a mess on the floor
We need to clean it up
Wash our problems
Down the drain

Boil, boil, toil and trouble
Throw those hops in before it bubbles
Don’t get bitter. We’re keeping tensions down
Add some more just before flame out

Sanitation holds a very critical role
You have to cool the wort so yeast can thrive
You see, we’re gonna pitch these boys into this sugar feast
So let’s exchange that heat ‘til we’re at sixty five

Eighteen days to ferment
Then we can carbonate
It’s a bright idea
Tap that keg

There's a mess in my head
I need to clean it up
Wash my problems
Down the drain

Once upon a time we were guzzling down
A thousand pints of that Treetrunk brown

Once upon a time we were guzzling down
A thousand pints of that Treetrunk brown
Track Name: One Slaad, Two Slaadi, Best Slaadi are Blue Slaadi
Demon frogs from another dimension
We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion
Demon frogs from another dimension
We need bodies for the Slaadi collective

We come from the plane of limbo
where mayhem and chaos reign.
Spawning Stone in a golden castle
guarded by an amoebic brain.

We came through a planar portal
on a quest to expand our race.
Marching in with hoards of soldiers
to attack and assimilate! Assimilate! Assimilate!

Demon frogs from another dimension
We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion
Demon frogs from another dimension
We need bodies for the Slaadi collective

You’ll never know if we’ve infiltrated—
We change form to make disguises.
We’re not frogs, we’re aberrations,
and we come in many hues and sizes.

Don’t listen to conspiracy theorists—
there’s no gem inside my brain!
If you take it, you can’t control me,
and I’ll get you with the chaos phage! Chaos phage! Chaos phage!

Demon frogs from another dimension
We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion
Demon frogs from another dimension
We need bodies for the Slaadi collective

Planting eggs with a slash of a claw—
Our brothers have the reddest skin.
Eat your heart out (after growing inside you).
But who says you shouldn’t hate your kin.

We prefer to use viral warfare;
We like it better that way.
You’ll get the phage if you don’t pay attention,
And you’ll have to Wish it away. Wish it away. Wish it away.

Green! Slaad! Casting spells!
Grey! Slaad! Casting spells as well!
Death! Comes to us all! When you’re at the top, you’re primed to fall.

Demon frogs from another dimension
We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion
Demon frogs from another dimension
Shut up and pay attention!

Demon frogs from another dimension
We’ve come for a Slaadi expansion
Demon frogs from another dimension
We need bodies! We need bodies!

Demon frogs from another dimension
Demon frogs from another dimension
Demon frogs from another dimension
Demon frogs from another dimension
Track Name: Retcon
We all make mistakes;
It's the curse of the craft
When you're writing off the cuff
Then your writing's not all that.
You've gotta move on,
Your mistakes are coming back
Like a boomerang that's taped to a spring-loaded asp

Retroactive continuity:
Changing story lines retroactively!
Retroactive continuity:
Sometimes it's a necessity!

You're describing a scene
with a thousand words
It's like a picture
but in the minds of nerds
You've got your big brush out
and you're painting too fast
You're saying AquanNaughts instead of AquanBats

Retroactive continuity:
Changing story lines retroactively!
Retroactive continuity:
Sometimes it's a necessity!

Did we rip a hole in the fabric of time? (retcon)
Did you trick us when we thought you had died? (retcon)
Did we just meet today or have you been here all along? (retcon)
The script says it's a dream, but that just feels wrong... RETCONNNN!

Retroactive continuity:
Changing story lines retroactively!
Retroactive continuity:
Sometimes it's a necessity!