Bardic Mystery Tour They're all your friends, They're solving crimes They're traveling in a party. They're writing songs, We don't have time, So come on, let's get started!

When you sneak into a room with a giant monster The barbarian wants to go head to head The cleric rolls his eyes. The wizard cries “you must be brain-dead”. Brain-Dead Brain-Dead What has a break and tenticles and it hovers above your head Sneak attack, fireball! "now you're brain dead" It's got no beak or tentacles Did you hear a word I said? Can't you tell, it's not a grell? "you must be brain dead" Down in the caves of the underdark Where only brave folk tread Gigantic, psionic, malicious brain "you must be brain dead" Split up the crew. Drink all the booze. Ignore all the clues. Fight everything that moves.

This is a bard song! So you should sing along So fill your mugs and tankards to the brim you’ll be the choir that we'll inspire Cause singing songs is how we always win. So there's this general conception of how to form a team A warrior, a wizard, a cleric, and a thief To me that just sounds boring or trite maybe cliche Try spicing up your crew by signing on a bard today! We can fight and we can cast we can heal and we can sneak With utility to boot we can make you feel complete But the most critical way that we'll help your situation Is the benefit you get from our Bardic inspiration! This is a bard song! So you should sing along So fill your mugs and tankards to the brim you’ll be the choir that we'll inspire Cause singing songs is how we always win. Sure I've got charisma but that’s miserably banal It's moxie and chutzpah and a je ne c'est quoi I'm not some tired trope roped into seduction With prestidigition I'm a full blown production I give the party a heart, I give the group a soul I keep the band together while you call me a fool I’ll keep us all warm by summoning a fire I’ll give us more hit points by playing (on my) my lyre……….. Let’s take a short rest from our bardic instrumentation We’ve got cutting and soothing words on our mantle of inspiration We’re all tumbling fools, and we’ll enthrall you with our performances We’ll flourish psychic blades and universally speak of romances A note about potential when you’re a jack of every trade Terrifying words are how all enemies are maaaaaaaaade! This is a bard song! So you should sing along So fill your mugs and tankards to the brim you’ll be the choir that we'll inspire Cause singing songs is how we always win. I might have been useless in previous editions But since they printed fifth I’m a worthwhile decision Your friends are acting jealous if they say I’m overpowered Say it to my face or you’re a yellow-bellied coward We’re the bards from camp kookamunga Our DM sent us here for to solve a mystery Singing our songs just to keep the band together Thank you all for listnen it’s a mighty courtesy This is a bard song! So you should sing along So fill your mugs and tankards to the brim you’ll be the choir that we'll inspire Cause singing songs is how we always win.

Guest musician: Nora If you'll be my Artemis I’ll be your Oaky kiss and we'll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down next to mine. I will stay here, I’ll be your songbird (Oh, just how lovely for me!) Crooning for you, my dear. I will stay here, (I know,) I’ll keep your acorns, (you will do what I ask you to do.) Changing for you, my dear. I'll be your Goddess and you’ll be my huntress and we'll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down next to mine. I will stay here, (I’m sure.) Teach me your Tree Stride (Of course!) I’ll follow you, my dear. (Anywhere.) You will stay here (Right here,) Speaking in Sylvan, (learning what you want me to.) Protecting for me, my dear. I'll be your Artemis and you will defend us and we’ll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. I'll be your Artemis (I’ll be your oaky kiss) and you will defend us and we’ll get all jingled on Goodberry wine. Lay your head down Next to mine.

Things seem so strange In the ethereal plane Fog filled and thirsting for Material shores More lost than found Directionless and desolate More lost than found Smothered by the silence Life was so simple Until I was born yesterday My mind Is stuffed with thoughts that feel so mundane Gravity is a psychic illusion Shock and awe are just pain and confusion I am bound to the cold dead ground Like a storm cloud that's been shot down More lost than found Directionless and desolate More lost than found Smothered by the silence For every problem There's a violent solution I'm consequently racked with Emotional pollution These scars fill my psyche Like dangers fill dark caverns My dark thoughts still haunt me So I'm driven to drown them More lost than found Directionless and desolate More lost than found Smothered by the silence Frightened and exhausted In my petrified condition Stunned to silence In my out-flanked position Solitude of a monolith In a land so dangerous Surrounded by ethereal Marauders Like a skiff in windless waters More lost than found Directionless and desolate More lost than found Smothered by the silence More lost than found Directionless and desolate More lost than found Smothered by the silence

Come around any time Day or Night You’re my favorite Little Dragon with the Halfling Height You had a nose for the cheese And you know we were starvin’ You were my best little buddy We miss you, Marvin! I'll never get fed up with you I'll never get fed up with you Crawlin' 'round dungeons 'cause you fit in tiny places Doing summersaults and Making funny faces Tinkering on trinkets Your back back is huge Even though you're jumpy You're always in my crew! I'll never get fed up with you I'll never get fed up with you The band plays on Without our fallen brother Days go by Years trail off forever But, little guy I will always remember One day I'll die Then we'll drink together Even one day if I shake myself from regret My little buddy Marvin, I promise I'll never forget! I'll never get fed up with you I'll never get fed up with you I'll never get fed up with you I'll never get fed up with you

We’ve all had enough Life on the road is tough Cold nights in the van Again and again And we’re all tired of that stuff Our fate was about to change Playing this town with wagon names Wide ones and tall We were gonna play ‘em all But we just need a place to stay One… Huge… City… For a band trying to make a penny One… Huge… City… For some bards tryin’ to solve a mystery There’s a hotel so close Although it’s got covered windows We head on inside To stay for the night But the door back out is broke Long story short: we got out But so did this bloodsucking gal The mayor blamed us The tour is a bust Antler Mayhem’s a band of outlaws One… Huge… City… With a mayor who's awfully petty One… Huge… City… For some bards tryin’ to solve a mystery Only a few days have passed The mayor was still on our backs We saved Rock and Roll And now Grungo is old But we’ve gotta get our tour back on track We let ourselves out of our cell Well, the storm let us out as well It was a hassle But we got into that castle And sent that dragon back to hell One… Huge… City… With a castle for an ancient family One… Huge… City… For some bards tryin’ to solve a mystery There’s no time right now to rest, We gotta save dirk from Gusgex Dominate a Thri-Kreen Get him onto the team Send him to fight the undead I don’t remember much of this melee But Antler Mayhem saved the day Lady Vaya ain’t shit Sammy’s blew her to bits The best bard of the bunch as they say One… Huge… City… For a band trying to make a penny One… Huge… City… For some bards tryin’ to solve a mystery

Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Heroes in a rock band! Bardic Power!! They’re the world’s most thorough sleuthing team (Detect Magic) They’re gumshoes in a rock band and one’s green (Hey, get the gear!) When the show is on the line These rockin’ bards solve the caper in time! Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dirk Figit does the books and knows the scene (Hey, guys!) Sammy slings and he builds machines (Critical miss!) Grundledore is smooth but rude! (Shatter!) Flo shoots her bow and she dodges, too! (I dodge!) Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Dungeon Crawling Magic Rockers Heroes in a rock band! Bardic Power!!

I'm gonna gut you slow And then I'll chew off your toes You're gonna talk to me Spill everything you know I'm gonna bleed you out Real quiet. Real slow It's best to comply to my whispers Or you know how it goes Shatter Comply with my lies Swallow all my pills Be led by fright Into obeying my will My strength is my prize And my fists are drills My left is strong as my right Double punchin' your grill Shatter I'm gonna bust you up My thunder hits like a truck I'm gonna blast up your body Leave you thunderstruck I'm gonna bust you up My thunder rolls like a Mac truck, motherfuck Sonic doom like karate You done run outta luck (Bring it) Shatter

We send demons back to hell; We fight mimics; we fight gels; We fight monsters that plan to flay your mind! We slay skeltons; we slay slimes; We slay Doppelgänger spies; We fight vampires a dozen at a time! You’ve got dungeons... You’ve got crime... Don’t you fret, you’ll be fine... You’ve got dragons… In that lair... If you call us… we’ll be there We do missions, we do quests We get spells back from long rests And we always seem to solve a mystery We solve problems, we do good We help people like we should We're not hobos who murder randomly You’ve got dungeons... You’ve got crime... Don’t you fret, you’ll be fine... You’ve got dragons… In that lair... If you call us… we’ll be there Barbarian war lords and monks from holy orders Inventors, philanthropists, and thieves A cast this motley In a hotel this haunted Makes for a very raucous scene You’ve got dungeons... You’ve got crime... Don’t you fret, you’ll be fine... You’ve got dragons… In that lair... If you call us… we’ll be there ((Dungeons and dragons fun with my friends Dragons and dungeons the fun never ends))

I'm not a villain I'm not a creep I'm not a cretin If you call me names I'll get you where you sleep I'm a polymath Doctor of philosophy I'm a scholar A meister of epistemology You see these brains don't go to waste Preserved in brine to enhance their taste I'm not crazy about the texture But damn did you taste that lecture? I'm not a hoarder I'm not a pack rat I'm not a miser So don't you call me names like that I'm a collector Searching for perfection I'm a preserver Curating my macabre collection You see these brains don't go to waste Preserved in brine to enhance their taste I'm mean no condescension For you clumsy comprehension The tadpole of legend I've got vile intentions I climbed to the top By consuming my brethren My mighty cerebellum With four purple flagellum Can out think thanks to My thick corpus callosum When it comes to logic I've already thought it, Mental exercises that could Topple an acropolis. Bishop or Priestess or Caliph or Abbess Your puny minds will crumble When you duel my hulking consciousness You see these brains don't go to waste Preserved in brine to enhance their taste As you stumble over common phonics I'm slurping rhymes in lines of Qualith I've got and architect And an astronomer I've got an alchemist and I've even got an orc philosopher I assure you there's assent for my assemblage Don't let the acquisition cause you any Umbridge You see these brains don't go to waste Preserved in brine to enhance their taste I'm a synapse snob, myself With a soft spot for brilliant elves You see these brains don't go to waste Preserved in brine to enhance their taste You seem clever enough, my friend But this song—it has to end

Through a maze of painted doors Through a maze of painted doors We rush in to chase the villain I’m down to one— What should I do? Heal myself or Heal my crew? Unsettling times call for Unsettled measures Unsettling times call for Before that maze, We should have paused “We rush in!” oh, what a flaw! Unsettling times call for Unsettled measures Unsettling times call for Unsettling times call for Unsettled measures Unsettling times call for We saved the day One final blow Critical hit To end the show…

Where oh where is Grundledore? Shall I see him evermore? He's turned into an angry boar And wounded me straight to my core. Grungo's gone and left the band. I'm ready this fish to land. If only he could understand... I wish he'd come and take my hand—take my hand.